Oh! Fuck! with kori & jess (July 2025)
- Jul 1, 2025
- 7 min read
In the tradition of Sue Johanson, Dan Savage, and even Dear Abby, we wish to introduce ourselves as your sex and relationship advice columnists here at Angles. We want to offer our professional insight and support to readers with questions about gender, sex, bodies, relationships and everything else that can get tangled in with all those juicy things. We both work in the field as educators and sex coaches and met while training at the Institute of Somatic Sex Education. More details of our extensive personal experiences will likely come out in our answers to your questions but trust that we are no strangers to things like questioning gender, social and medical transition, coming out, recovery from religious trauma and people-pleasing patterns, polyamory, kink, neurodivergence, disability, pregnancy, parenting, long-distance relationships and more. We opened the channels and got some questions for us to start this column off with. We want to thank the folks who trusted us and shared these vulnerable questions with us.
Dear Fuckers,
I recently learned that I’m into some things that are outside the norm sexually. It feels like I am coming out as kinky, but I’m unsure how to find people with similar interests or how to share these new interests with dates. Suggestions?
— Newly Kinky Of The Boots
Thanks for reaching out with your question, NKOTB. It’s obvious that you feel a hefty gravity and are scared to be out about this uncertain but exciting thing you have learned about yourself. Without knowing exactly what it is you are into, we can’t really offer specifics about safety or procedures, but we highly recommend seeking skill development opportunities like workshops, hiring professionals, mentorship or attending events. If you are into restraint, impact, power dynamics, electricity, blood, choking or other breath play, etc., each will have its own set of best practices around safety and precautions. Learning what you can through books and content from reputable educators, classes (online or in person) or direct in-person mentorship will go a long way.
The bonus of attending workshops is that you will be in a room (in bodies or virtually) of people who are interested in the same kink, which can build community, potential for play partners and the feeling of not being alone… especially if you are into things that are more niche.
Where do you find mentorship and skill-building opportunities? While it leaves some things to be desired, FetLife is the social media platform of choice for kink-specific content. You can likely find rope jams, munches (a clothes-on, non-play-centred social event to meet other kinky people) and play parties there. If you are in a big city like Vancouver, you may find options to be specific and find events that are catering to specific groups, whereas if you are outside of an urban center, finding in-person events may be harder or involve a more diverse range of people and interests in one place.
Figuring out if, when and how you want to disclose what you are into can take work and practice. Do you have other experiences of coming out that you can draw from? If not yours personally, do you have friends, lovers, mentors or leaders in the communities you are in that you look to who could offer insight in the process of coming out? Little Sisters or the public library have many solid starting points if you would appreciate it in writing. One excellent title to check out is We Both Laughed In Pleasure: The Selected Diaries of Lou Sullivan, 1961–91, in which trans ancestor Lou Sullivan chronicles his experiences with queer sexuality, identity and transition up to his eventual death.
That “outside the norm” feeling can come from a wide collection of sources, ranging from personal experiences to invisible cultural narratives. The process of deconstructing shame and judgment towards your desires is just that, a process. It takes work, practice and help to get to a place where you can feel “inside your desire” with pride, even if your desires are not common. Be gentle with yourself as you move through this period of personal growth.
As for dates, if you are using dating apps, it can be helpful to flag or state directly what you are into. You can say something vague like “not vanilla” or state specific activities or desires you are hoping to fulfill. This will help draw people who are interested in similar things to your inbox. Alternatively, if you see someone who shares an interest, consider sending the first message.
Regardless of where or how you find dates and play partners, it is always important to vet who you are engaging in kink with, especially if you are new on the scene. A good, respectful, experienced play partner will not rush you to do things before you are ready or outside of the circumstances you need to feel safe. If something doesn’t feel right for any reason, trust yourself. Predators can exist in all dating pools and, unfortunately, kink is not immune to this.
We’d also like to also refer people to a great resource we learned about recently, from Finley Baker, a disabled, queer and trans occupational therapist based in Washington state. Their site includes a series of illustrated and educational postcards on a variety of topics, including BDSM and chronic pain, kink and neurodiversity, toys for limited mobility and more.
Hey Jess & Kori,
I’m recently single for the first time since before COVID started and am at a loss. I still take precautions and want to find love, but where? How? What’s a COVID-realist queer to do?
— Mindy Randall (all pronouns)
This is a big question that I (Jess) get in my practice regularly. It’s hard enough to find compatible dates without having the added desire/need for shared understanding of COVID safety. The reality of the matter is that it is difficult; we won’t say that it’s not. Giving yourself space for any grief that comes up around this reality is really important. You have a great opportunity to get clear about what you are looking for and what your boundaries are with regard to exposure potential, which will make it that much easier to say yes to the right cuties when you come across them.
What are you looking for? Cuddles, cute dates, a sex friend, long-term kink dynamics, marriage, It can, of course, also be some combo of the above. Within those types of connections, you may have different needs about COVID safety. For instance, if your kink doesn’t involve any sort of fluid exchange, masking while playing might be enough for you to feel safe without having to know anything else about your play partner’s behaviours. If you are looking for a long-term cohabiting relationship, you might want deeper alignment of protocols and shared beliefs about community care and disability justice.
The important thing is to be clear about what you need to feel safe enough to share space and intimacy with others and to communicate clearly about it. This often involves asking clarifying questions when someone shares a subjective statement like, “I’ve been safe this week.” Knowing what your limits are helps you to be able to say yes or no in the moment and feel less anxious or flustered. It’s important to note that we often don’t realize we have hit a boundary until it has actually occurred, so just remember that you are learning as you go, especially since this is your first new dating experience since the pandemic began.
If testing is important for you before dates, free rapid tests are still available in many pharmacies and can be used as a layer of care if meeting up with dates for shared airtime. Recommendations generally lean towards doing at least two tests and being mindful of window periods (the period between a potential exposure and an effective test). Higher accuracy tests like the PlusLife come with a bigger price tag and some international purchasing complications, but can offer a more accurate assurance of viral status of both COVID and flu viruses.
One piece worth mentioning is that seasonally speaking, timing is great to arrange outdoor meetups, attend outdoor events or even just sit on a cruisy patio where the open air can offer some harm reduction in contrast to crowded, indoor events with minimal air circulation and unmasked hordes. If you do find yourself inclined to attend indoor events, choosing to wear a well-fitting respirator or mask, wearing a personal air filter or other visible harm reduction measures can serve as a flag to potential connections who may have similar concerns. Masking in spaces where you may be one among many bare faces has its risks, but it also can be a part of normalizing taking cautions that many people have let go in part due to a sort of peer pressure. Chances are that when someone sees your mask, they may feel better about the precautions that they want to take, but have felt pressured to let go of.
When you use the apps, flagging that you are COVIDsafe will bring the #mask4mask cuties to your yard. Being clear about your precautions, STI status and availability will make it much easier to make connections. By and large COVID-realist queers are undertouched and thirsty. The politics of community care you may have in common with potential matches could very well have other areas of overlap, so you may also find folks in spaces focused on resisting fascism, speaking out against genocide, defending trans rights, etc. There are parts of the queer kink scene in Vancouver that hold masked leather and rope events regularly, so if you are into that kind of kink, check them out for connection and solidarity.
Mindy, we’re wishing you all the best in finding the COVID-safe cutie(s) of your dreams!
And if you read all this, half shaking your head, wondering who is still thinking about COVID in this way, it’s worth noting that the variant that has been showing up so far this season is being called “razor blade throat.” If that isn’t a deterrent, the growing body of research around the risk of long COVID, compounded with each dance with Ol’ Miss Rona, may be. Folks who returned to a pre-2020 normal are allowed to change their minds and practices and reintroduce precautions, whether for their own personal health and safety or as an act of inclusive community care.
You can find us and more of our work by looking us up online:
Jess DeVries (she/ her) / Beloved Coaching www.belovedcoaching.net
Kori Doty (they/ them) / Soft Touch Bodies www.koridoty.com
